This isn't my personal journal where I document my day but I do want to include a bit about how I'm feeling as well as encourage any readers to share their experiences as well as including news and information I find about mental illness.
Lately I've been really struggling with my diagnosis. If you're new here, you won't know that my diagnosis recently changed from depression to bipolar 2. Until recently I thought I had severe depression, occasional anxiety and panic attacks plus unspecified personality disorder (leaning more towards Borderline PD but with not enough "yeses" for a diagnosis.
Why is this diagnosis bothering me so much? Who knows if I even have a personality disorder now or ever did. Maybe it was bipolar all along. All along as I researched my depression and read books and web pages and chatted in forums I thought I had depression. I skipped the parts about bipolar and read about depression. When I did read books about bipolar or saw TV or movies with bipolar patients, I thought "I'm glad that's not me." For the past almost 10 years I was being medicated for the WRONG thing. Since it's bipolar 2 and not 1 that I have, I never had a severe manic episode so it wasn't as obvious. I had a hard time describing my thoughts, the racing thoughts with violent thoughts amongst them. The anger, the frustration, the anxiety, the confusion, they were looked at as separate "feelings" that I experience just as the average person was, not as what they are, my hypo manic state. The doctor didn't use the name "rapid-cycling" but he did mention that I go through my "poles" pretty quickly which is very true. I can go from extreme happiness to extreme depression to hypo manic and back again all throughout the day.
Lately I've been plagued by violent thoughts, thoughts of harm, mostly to myself and I can't stop yelling. I snap very easily. My med combination is still being worked out and so I'm not "stable" yet so I'm not eligible for certain mental health programs yet. I understand they don't want an unstable person to suddenly go off and try to hurt him/herself or even worse, another person but meanwhile, it's NOW that I need the support, not when I'm stable.
My pills make me stupid and at night, they knock me out in 30 minutes. The first time I took them my husband thought I had a stroke that's how smashed up they made me. I refused to go to bed even though I couldn't keep my eyes open and was swaying back and forth because I was so hungry. My loving hubby made me a bowl of cereal which I proceeded to "eat" and wear as it dribbled out my mouth. I stumble over my words when I talk and lose my train of thought very easily.
I haven't even taken my pills yet and I'm exhausted, it's been a crazy week so that's enough for now. If anyone read this, PLEASE comment so I don't feel so alone. If you struggle with mental illness too, please stick around as I work on getting this blog up and running some more. Feel free to comment anonymously if you are a blogger or otherwise well known and don't want anyone else to know you struggle.
